Humility in Unknown Possibility | Blog

To sit down and write in the last two months has felt like a big challenge. Not because I don’t have anything to say, but because all too often, I feel like I can’t say it eloquently. We all are affected in some way by the perfectionist attitude that haunts our society and strips us of the imperfect, and often humanness of our world and experiences. 

I thought I’d start writing this blog post today and see where it takes me. Almost a stream of consciousness but not quite, as I am feeling very self conscious about how much I want to share, how vulnerable I want to get, and how I have felt so much in the last 8 weeks that does not fit into a beautifully flowing piece of writing. My emotions and experiences, and moments in the last 8 weeks have felt like a rollercoaster on some days, and being stuck in quicksand on other days. The experiences have sometimes made me feel as though I am floating and then the next day drowning under the largest and fastest moving current. I feel as though one thing is for certain, I have learned a lot. 

Then in December I gave a sermon, and well, I am still trying to figure out what happened there. I learned that I am divinely gifted in some kind of way, but I’m not sure what the next steps are. I am still trying to figure that out, all I know is that it was deeply emotional in the drowning extensional crisis sort of way. I know there is a special future brewing for me and that I have to trust in my faith to guide my next steps, because I thought I had an idea of what I am here to do, and now I’m very unsure of my mission here on earth. 

Then, right after Christmas, when the end of the year was in sight, along with my sons birthday, I had to learn the hard lesson of embracing sudden grief and releasing control. On December 30th, my dog and my first baby passed in her sleep overnight. I never quite imagined this version of events. I had always heard of people having to put their dogs down. I always thought I would have to make the choice. That I would have control.  I didn’t ever think I’d just have to embrace the grief. The days to follow were incredibly hard. The true dichotomy of loss and joy, as on December 31, my son turned 3 years old. The joy of celebrating his birthday, over kwanza, while also feeling the missing space of our pup. These were most certainly the days of floating, and feeling as though the joy was carrying me through a river of grief, and sadness. She was the best dog mind you. Ugh, she will be missed so much. 

The new year came and went. And now here we are, 9 days into the year. Let me tell you, I won’t be doing resolutions, or lessons of 2024. Because well, 2024 was a year of miracles and a year of great sorrow. 2024 was physical grief, ambiguous grief, joyful discoveries, new friendship, health crises, health wins, and so so much more. It was a year in which I discovered that I do not need goals, or resolutions, but instead prayers and intentions. It was a year where I learned that your darkest moments, may be in retrospect your greatest miracles. It was a year where I learned the true definition of self preservation and taking action when it’s time to leave. I learned a lot, but honestly, I learned that one must walk by faith alone. 

Say a prayer, as 2025 will be chalked full of lessons, and emotions, and imperfect humanness. Dear reader, I hope and pray you have faith in something, anything, because we are going to need to walk by faith alone.