A year away. Where have I been? What I have learned? Mental Health Awareness

How fast a year goes by when you attempt to be everyone’s everything. Hello, my readers, I am sorry I’ve been away this long. July 13th, 2023 I posted about a series I was so excited to work on about my postpartum journey, as my son had just turned 18 months old, and I wanted to share about my postpartum before I would inevitably forget the hard days and nights. Somehow time passed faster, life became crazy, and I never ended up posting that series. 

What happened to me?

Well, life became harder, as I did not realize that the toddlerhood stage of life would be much more challenging physically and mentally than the earlier 18 months. I also became deeply involved in a movement to restore full funding to our local library. My advocacy quickly turned into a project I’d forever be proud of, but would prove to be as challenging as my motherhood journey. 

All of this I now realize was driven by my desire to save. I want people to be cared for, held, and saved, and all too often I’m willing to sacrifice myself in that journey. All I want to do is leave this world better than I found it, no benefit, no feel good, but just better than what I found. My advocacy has been a journey that has caused me to be targeted, harassed, and driven into the grips of paranoia. We don’t hear about this side of activism too often. The darkness of advocacy where you are often a target for people who only seek to move their agenda forward and not be held accountable for their decisions.

Why have I returned to this blog?

In June I had what I would call a revelation. Suddenly, my body and soul were calling me to something much different. I am being called to a journey of self-discovery, healing, and slowness. I am realizing that my advocacy and everything I’m doing is tied to my unhealed soul, and it’s weighing me down in the depths of a cycle that is not sustainable for myself, or my family.  The parts of my soul that feel the need to impress, that can not rest, and that are in the depths of unhealed grief. My somatic physical experience is one of consistently being stressed, tired, and/or sick. 

I’m realizing that I need to put down my cape. I need to allow myself space. I need to step away from it all. I need to focus on myself, and choose myself, and be selfish. I can not do advocacy, or volunteer work during this time. I can no longer sacrifice myself, or handle being targeted. I need to be present for my work of healing and need to be present for this moment of motherhood, which is proving to be incredibly challenging. 

In doing this work, I want this space to serve as a public journal. Saying that out loud is hard. I’m not sure how much I will post. I do know I will be writing, but I’m not sure when stuff will get posted, as sometimes it’s easier to write after the work has been done. But this overhaul of my mental well-being, my soul, and my physical self will take a long long time, and I do want to share it. 

I want to share it because if you wake up one day and decide you don’t want to be everyone’s everything, I want you to know that you can quit. You can be selfish, and step away. You too can get off this hamster wheel of trying to do too much. You too can think about what you do, and why you do it, and learn when the cycle is helpful, and when the cycle is unhelpful. You too can put in the work to heal, focus on mental health, become more present, and along with it a more intentional person/parent. 

I can do this. I will do this. And I will share as much of it as I can. 

My new reminders:

I don’t have to save anyone but myself. 

I don’t have to fix everything. 

I am recommitting to myself because I deserve peace. 

I’m extracting myself from non-mutually beneficial relationships. 

I deserve quiet. 

I deserve to not have stress in my life. 

I will ask myself why. 

I don’t have to give explanations.

I don’t owe anyone access to me or my information. 

I do not need to earn rest. 

I love myself.