Humility in Unknown Possibility | Blog

I just posted a blog named “If I were a Bird”. Go read that first and then come back here and read this because that creates the framing of the window I am looking into.  I don’t think I fully encompassed the full range of emotions it is to be human in that post. Because as soon as I posted that blog, I instantly regretted not including enough about the fear that swallows me whole. Fear, it’s this precarious thing, I’d like to think it’s the quicksand of my own emotions. 

Fear is the quicksand. Did you know squirming, especially in quicksand, makes it worse. You see quicksand is one of those scary things, it escapes the confines of labels. Similar to how Lava is considered liquid rock, but a rock is usually always a solid. Quicksand is sand that is overly saturated with water, and therefore, it begins to act like water. No longer dependable to hold weight, and instead allowing an object to sink like water would. It’s usually caused by a sudden shift or aggravation of several layers under the sand. And for me that is my fear. 

It starts with a quick leak, a quick thought “am i sure?” “how do I know I can do it?” and then it becomes a flood of “what ifs…” and “how can I…” and that flood aggravates the sure groundedness I once had. I lose my footing, and the tightly packed soil becomes shifting sand. The shifting happens as I allow the fear to clutch my heart, and creep up my throat. My eyesight blurs as I try not to contribute to the flood with my own tears. And soon enough, I feel the sinking. The familiar feeling we have all had of the dreams we once had, the confidence we thought we carried, and the sureness of it all, floating away, giving way to the deflation of the soul, and the sinking in the quicksand. Once caught in quicksand, once sunken deep, we can stay there, barely surviving for months. Taking it as a fine opportunity for self sabotage and hopelessness. Enjoying the excuse to give into despair. 

In an interview with the author John Green, he said, “The problem with despair is all it makes is more of itself. All despair tells us is not to get out of bed in the morning, not to fight for a better world. It’s easy to feel like this is the end of the story and it’s easy to feel very discouraged. I feel discouraged in this moment. But this is not the end of the story, this is the middle of the story and together we fight for a better end.” 

And it was at that moment when I realized why you can’t give into the fear, the quicksand, attempting to make you feel stuck in despair. How can the necessary work get done of making this world a better place if we are stuck? How can we grow as humans if we are stuck? How can we expand, if we are focused on avoiding the quicksand? We can’t explore without risk. We can’t fly without the possibility of the obstacles on our way. The quicksand, our fear, our ability to question ourselves, can be warranted, as we were created with the inner need for self-preservation, safety, and we all experience trauma that can increase our exposure to the quicksand. What we most avoid is getting so deep in it that we can’t make it out. 

How do we get out of quicksand? We first must breathe, remember peace coming in, and releasing tension from our bodies. Then we remember, we can do hard things. We have done so before, and we can do so again. Then we ask for a hand from a friend, and we make sure movements. We say, “I may not have done this before, but I am going to make an attempt with confidence”. And slowly but surely we pull ourselves out of the quicksand. Or we float in the quicksand, and ask for multiple kind souls to get us up out of the quicksand. And no matter what, we fight to never stay in despair, but instead fight for our joy, for a better end. 

Yes, my story will and should include fear. A lot of it. But I am practicing the daily affirmations of:

I can do it with fear. 

I will not be stuck in despair. 

I am choosing to seek Joy. 

I am a fighter for a better end. 

*A note for John Green, thanks for all you do. Thanks for your work on Maternal Health, and Tuberculosis, and for your books. And for this beautiful quote. In case you ever see this, thank you. *