Humility in Unknown Possibility | Blog

I would not consider myself an angry person. I have never been a fan of anger as an emotion. I don’t like anger because I personally find that it takes up too much energy and can leave me in a feedback cycle of negativity. Feedback cycle of triggering event, anger, resentment, despair, and then another event happens and the feedback cycle starts over again. So I learned early on to not let events get to me, not let them tigger me or anger me. Just to try and have it wash over me and disappear.  

This is how I have survived a lot of the chaos of the past few months, but if I’m being honest, its not helped, it actually made me yearn more for other emotions, and all in all, as a lot of people have reminded me as of late, it’s not healthy. Now my repressed anger is making appearances, coming up in private and public ways. 

I had a nightmare last night. I have been angry with someone for a long time but have never told them, never communicated to their face, instead I prioritize my peace and energy which I think is a great choice. It was a choice I made when I distanced myself from this person, but it means the anger got repressed. My true anger became another thing added to the file labeled “anger” that sits untouched in the back of the drawer in my mind.  In this nightmare, featuring this person, I was so abnormally violent that I felt the need to call my pastor and confess a sin, which mind you in my brand of church is not done very often outside of service. But then I realized what sin do I confess? The sin of having the nightmare, or the sin of having so much repressed anger that I would dream such a thing, or the fact that I didn’t flip the tables I wanted to flip those many months ago when I choose to walk away without saying what I needed to say? I woke up to the loudest crack of thunder. I have never had a thunderstorm wake me up. But the thunderstorm at 5am right outside my window was so loud, and so full of lightning that it reminded me of the storm experienced by the fisherman when Jesus was on their boat. 

Mark chapter 4 35-41: “35 That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” 36 Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. 37 A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. 38 Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” 39 He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. 40 He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

41 They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”

 What if the storm never came? What if my own anger never arrives? What if my anger is never activated? What if the storm has to happen, the anger has to be triggered and felt and seen and heard in order to drive all the other things I love about myself, such as my faith and curiosity?

I am in a show with Selah Theatre Project called The Cake. PLEASE come see it if you are in the area. My favorite part about my character is she is authentically her, and she activates her anger and uses it. She’s willing to argue and stand firm on what is right according to her belief systems. She knows herself and does not hesitate to be seen. 

I think a lot of my own issues with anger are because people see you when you are angry, and they see you in an emotional state that is not usually your normal self. For me, it feels naked, revealing and scary to actually show my anger, or to even communicate my anger. I want to be so much more like Macy. I want to activate my anger with no fear. I want to live life unafraid, in faith, with my anger at the forefront to activate my truth. Because I have every right to be angry. I have every right to be angry at someone who robbed me of what I thought my future would look like. I have every right to be angry at the state of the world. I have a right to feel anger, and I know that if I could activate it in the right way, it may not be a negative feedback cycle, but instead an opportunity to create the rainbow after the storm.